In my defense it is still Christmas through the Baptism of the Lord on December 9th. Yes I know that I have been missing in action for a rather long time. In part it was because of the season and a need to spend time with my favorite deacon.
But I also needed to stay away from the internet for a while. It can, when I let it, be a major distraction from prayer. I had a lot of discerning to do. What is God’s will for me? In light of taking over the DRE position at our parish, do I need to let go of some activities? Blogging for instance.
Man, I am really really bad at listening for the wee voice of God. Too often, I get it wrong. There are some people who seem to be able to figure out what God wants them to do.
Not me. I wish that God would just text me the answer. Do X don’t do Y.
God is just not that exact with me. Even when His plan seems absolutely clear, I get it absolutely wrong.
So I end up endlessly questioning my discernment. For example the way that I ended up becoming the DRE seemed to be an answer straight from God’s mouth.
One morning, in mid September, I was praying to God. I was getting a bit irritated that after years of praying for a solution to our financial woes ,(due to past job loss), and trusting with all of my weak might, that my favorite deacon was still robbing Peter to pay Paul.
My prayer that morning was one long whine of a rant. To my surprise it worked! Our pastor asked me to come to his office. The religious education classes had already started, and we were without a DRE.
In a nano second, I discerned that this was God’s answer to my prayer. I heard my self say that I would do it. In that moment all I could think of was that I could finally take some of the burden off of my husband’s broad but overloaded shoulders.
I have enjoyed the job. But I can’t help myself from asking is this what God wants me to do? Was my pastors call a call from God?
In theory it would seem prudent to find a spiritual director. I have had some truly wonderful spiritual directors, but none have been able to help with my discernment problem.
Anyway I have decided to keep blogging. I have gotten some positive feedback. So I will keep on blogging and hoping that Christ will work through me to make a small difference.
And I will keep on straining to hear God’s voice. I pray that I stumble along and eventually trip into heaven where Christ the physician will take me to Purgation hospital until my wounds of sin heal.
Oh and did I say:
I know in my heart ,you were meant to take the DRE position, that you DID hear Gods direction for you. Thank you for being a blogger for us begining our journey.
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
– Thomas Merton
You know Susan, after your first heart-attack from stress you could always quit 😉
Happy Belated New Year!